Let's say you're not from Texas (cue Lyle Lovett). But you got here quick as you could (as Joe Nick Patoski claimed). And now you want to learn how to be a Texan. Well, it's not just about your hat.
Here's how to fit in.
First off, learn to Talk Texan.
Practice these key phrases:
Fixin' to
Might could
All y'all
Pepper your speech with mebbe, when maybe comes to mind
Lean into your vowels and use the Texas diphthong. Learn how in this excellent primer from noted Texas expert W.F. Strong: Trying to Talk Texan
Eat like a Texan.
Sidle up to those slabs of beef on the smoker: Texas BBQ has a ton of devotees.
Get to know the regions of Texas.
There are eleven distinct natural regions. Pick one to get to know. It'll still be bigger than the state you came from.
Read up on Texas History.
There's the history taught to all Texan children in school, and then there's actual history. Here's my history of Texas in a nutshell:
Spain stole the land that is now Mexico from the Mayan natives to make Mexico and its vast territory, including present-day Texas. The Spaniards converted the native peoples to Catholics or pushed them out.
Mexico overthrew its Spanish colonial rule, which included present-day Texas. Colonists arrived from many countries, known as Texians, and settled the Mexican-owned territory now called Texas. Among them were Tennesseans and Kentuckians, who brought their slaves along. The Texians pushed the Native Americans out.
The Anglo Texans wanted their slaves to hoe their cotton, like they did back home in the American South. But Mexico did not allow slavery. So the Anglo Texans had a big battle with Mexico in a big Catholic mission called The Alamo that the Spaniards had built where the Indigenous Payaya Indians hunted, gathered pecans, and camped. The Anglo Texans won that war, drove out the Mexicans, and claimed Texas as their new republic.
The new republic of Texas made its own laws and handed out free land to the railroads. Eventually Texas couldn't pay its bills, so it went begging to Uncle Sam for debt relief and became the 28th state of the Union.
The Daughters of the Texas Republic formed to care for the Alamo, and call themselves native Texans. But their granddaddies were born in or came from Louisiana, Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Missouri with their slaves.
When the American Civil War came, Texas picked the wrong side (because: slaves). Texas seceded from the Union. The Confederacy lost.
A short time later, after all was forgiven, a man in Nacogdoches County (one of the state's 254 counties) drilled an oil well. A few decades after that, Texans discovered they were sitting on vast reserves of oil and natural gas. The Indigenous Peoples had known about it all along, as they'd used oil for its medicinal properties since the 1500s. But they had died from infectious diseases or were long gone to reservations the U.S. government made just for them. And that's my history of Texas in a nutshell (actually, a pecan shell).
Buy a pickup truck.
Every Texan owns one, especially folks whose trucks won't fit inside their 3-car garages.
Get used to guns.
Open carry or close carry, they are a Texas tradition.
Enjoy the music in Texas.
Beyond Willie...there's lots of it. Austin used to be the Live Music Capital of the World (a self-dubbed title). Texas is the birthplace of Scott Joplin, Western swing, Janis Joplin, the "outlaw country" movement, and Beyoncé. When it comes to Texas music, that's the tip of the iceberg—which would surely melt here. Read on...
It's hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
There's hot, and then there's Texas hot. Texans are creative when it comes to escaping the heat. Your first order of business is to find your nearest spring-fed swimming pool or hole. Unless your crick's run dry. Then you gotta pray for a gullywasher.
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